i got too much time on my hands. and its getting dangerous. i dont feel particularly lost but i feel like im getting sucked into my brain a bit too much.

not having enough to do with my hands, i over compensate with my brain and getting all caught up in schemes that swing from saving the world to making lots of money. ideally, a combination of the two... perhaps a little sacrifice of one over the other at some point. but to be honest, neither really interests me.

but wherein lies the danger is that theyre just ideas and im not sure if i have the energy to invest in these schemes - whether they are good or bad. i thought i knew what i wanted and i feel compelled to hang on to it for dear life. but i feel these other schemes will draw me into another direction. a direction i dont really care to go in.

my current scheme is start a company specializing in energy retrofits, specifically targeting the suburbs and the 70s track housing that currently surrounds me. the market is there, the labour is banging at my door and i have a great marketing idea that can sell it. just need to run some feasibility/market studies, organize it, try it out on my folks home and run with it. then i started looking into funding and to see if i can get a grant for it. after reading some possible grants, i got other ideas of how to expand it (to get the grants) cause grants always tend to be community orientated so now its ballooned into this weird suburbian community green building initiative. its getting stupidly outta hand. i have an innate ability to turn a simple problem into a complex solution. all i wanted to do was to do some work during my off season of construction and now its turned into a save-the-suburbs-save-the-planet...

if this work schemes goes well, and if i want to stick to it, then i will have to work on it on my time off instead of, oh, i dont know... find land and build stuff on it and grow food... god... coming back to the suburbs voluntarily... to work no less!

ever so often i question my rigid sense of determined destiny. is that what you really want? then some pseudo chinese proverb inevitably slips into my mind: if youre not supple like bamboo, you will snap like snow laden firs. (its only chinese cause theres bamboo in it...) must blow with the wind... change is inevitable... must flow like the river... be adaptable, flexible... how would i know if i dont try? maybe i will end up hating a homestead in the woods but i dont know that yet do i? maybe i will turn into a crazy cat hoarder in the woods and die from some air borne cat fecal matter disease due to my hoarding.

but then i guess it comes down to a question of control. control freak? yes. empowered by the illusion of control? damn straight. why look for work, which doesnt exist, when you can create it? why spend your time working at a paying job when you can be writing business plans?

so my new thing is the lottery. i have now become THAT suburban person. yes. i have pinned all hopes and dreams on 6 magic numbers. i never played the lottery before. i dont know if its an age thing or cause im stuck in the burbs with not much else for stimulus, but i could really use $43 million... as opposed to those that cant... what is it about the suburbs and the lottery? is it the monotony of housing and strip malls that drives one to fantasize for an easy escape? quick buck and quick run? i feel like its similar to the relationship of the burbs and tv. something to do with redundancy, lack of stimuli or perhaps its done on purpose - pacify the masses with simple entertainment... work will set you free... tivo will save your shows... and hence, your soul...

i didnt win.